How To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

He spend 's too much time at work!

This is the respond my clients and even myself used when our truck driving husband stay over the road far too long. Although I can relate to the miscommunication of our spouse agenda to come home but at the last minutes something happens to disrupts those plans. I also understand how if feels to cancel yet another event or go alone and have to make up yet another excuse of why he is not home. Traditional married couples and families who don't get the trucking life will never understand this sacrifice or why you stay committed to your spouse. So why bother in explaining yourself. I had to learn the hard way to accept only the things I can control and appreciate the time we do have together. Even with the mean comments and judgmental face expression. It's hard enough dealing with a long distance relationship but having to deal with other people thoughts and opinions about it can also stress you out. If you not careful other people voice could end up as the topic of each disagreement if you take it personal. Maintaining a long distance relationship is challenging. Of course, like any relationship, there are always going to be some ups and downs and you may find things quite hard at first but if you can work on it you should find that it will get easier. But effort and commitment is required. 

The Reality

You know your husband works for your family, but you wish he had more time to spend with you and the kids. But you get why he does it. Therefore, you hold him down as well as the fort at home. You make a extra effort to tell him how much you miss him. Because you know the more love he feels at home, the more motivated he’ll be to leave work on time. No matter what, you always greet your husband with a smile when he comes home. Because you have learned over the years and distance this is a great way to ward off negativity. You have become aware that if you are constantly whining and nagging him about not being home he will not want to be there. So you chose to do your part in strengthen your long distance marriage. The distance has made you much wiser and stronger. You know if you don't make the effort to connect and rebuild your family unit the distance, other people opinions and life will come between your love. And that ain't happening on your watch. Nagging and complaining on make things worse and will only keep him away longer. Therefore you choose love over fear. I applaud you for being wise, bold, and courageous in your attempt to nurture your marriage opposed to allowing it to fade away. 

I remember how hard I was on my husband when I first became a trucker wife. I nagged, complained, and told him all the time about how I thought he was leaving me for his truck. It sounds silly now. But, the beginning of our journey was really difficult because I struggled due to a invisible childhood wound. 

My Conflict
Before my husband entered into the trucking industry our relationship was very close and we were inseparable then out of no where I began to have shortness of breathe and finding it really hard to cope and breathe when he left to go over the road. He thought I was being a diva and trying to make him feel guilty for leaving me. But I wasn't, I really couldn't breathe without him. Literally! 

No, really. My chest hurt, and my left arm's was all tingly. My palms were sweating and pain in my chest became searing. Sweat started pouring out of my pores. I tried to breathe slowly and control the pounding of my heart, but I couldn't. This happen each time he left. I did;t know what was happening. I finally went to the hospital. The doctor explained to me that I was having panic attacks. I was confused. I wasn't the type of person to panic. I wasn't someone filled with anxiety. But low and behold each time he left there I was lying on the ground like a fish out of water. We were having too many arguments at the time so I didn't tell him about it. To be honest I was too embarrassed. But after a fifth visit to the emergency room the doctor sat down with me to identify my cause. We traced it back to my childhood. 

Almost everyone "BUT ME" realizes that what happens to us in childhood has an effect upon who we become as adults. I had to learn fast about this truth.

When I was five years old my mother left me to live with my great grandmother so she could pursue her career in law enforcement. It was a hard decision for her to make and for me to adjust too. I remember standing at the screen door waiting on her to come back to get me. When I really felt different, alone, and misunderstood. I would ask my grandmother, "Why can't I live with my mom like other kids?" I must have asked her a hundred times growing up, and she always response with your mom is working. I never did get a clear explanation. None of my family really brought up the issue and for that, I always question my worth and wonder if I was loved. Although my grandmother took care of my physical needs, food, clothing, education and ensured I had everything I needed she lacked in the emotional department. Overall, I remember having a normal childhood. Except for the time when my cousin got mad at me and told me that neither my mom or dad wanted or loved me. Although, she didn't mean what she said or understood how it cause me so much pain. My inner child was wounded. I stored the feeling of guilt and shame in my heart because I thought I had done something wrong to make my dad not want to know me and my mom to leave me. On top of my grandmother and other families member never acknowledging my feelings, pain, and sadness. I developed a people pleasing personality to protect myself of ever being hurt again. I chose to please so I would never be rejected or abandon. To be honest I never really though about my childhood until that day in the emergency room. I had no memories up until that point. I had suppressed all that pain, loss, and rejection that cause me to experience emotional abandonment issues. That day the doctor told me that my panic attacks was triggers of past inner pain of my mother leaving me. When my husband left me to go work over the road my wounded inner child was triggered and started to panic. Of course all of this went over my head and I had no idea what she was talking about. But, I did have something to research to help me cope better. Childhood Emotional Abandonment was the possible cause of my panic. So, I started reading books and researching and I came across emotional neglect and almost fail off my chair. According to Dr. Jonice Webb author of Running on Empty, says

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): Happens when a child’s primary caretakers (usually his parents) fail to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs. Happens often in normal homes all over the world, even when the parents are physically present, and all the child’s material needs are met.

The Symptoms

A deep feeling of disconnection from self and others, feelings of emptiness, extreme independence, low self-knowledge, low self-compassion, excessive self-blame and shame, low emotional awareness, and struggles with self-discipline.

That's Me!

Feeling isolated, disconnected, alone, and in some indescribable way, deeply flawed was exactly the way I felt in my childhood but I didn't remember any of this until I was reminded that my mom left me and my grandmother didn't response to my feelings just kind of acted like nothing was wrong and I would eventually get over being left behind. 

Obviously, I didn't because as I journal my thoughts and behavior everything result back from my childhood experience. I share my story with you because I help clients everyday recovery from emotional childhood neglect and feelings of abandonment. Separation anxiety is usually the first trigger among my trucking wives clients. They think they are being insecure but they are not. It's not a matter of jealousy or insecurity. Most don't know they may be experiencing emotional childhood neglect that is a childhood wound causing problems in your adult life today. People who grow up in homes that are blind to emotion don’t learn how to tolerate, identify, respond to or manage emotion. This is one of the most observable telltale signs of childhood emotional neglect. 

If you feel stuck, trapped, experience codependency, people pleasing or emotional eating and think you may have unresolved emotional hurt or pain from the past please look into childhood emotional neglect and please don't take it out on your spouse I like I did. I didn't know I had emotional issues that needed healing. Since then I've faced my shadow self, healed my emotions and rebuild my distance marriage. I've learn how to show love and understand others personal love language. And you can do the same. 

So when your husband has been over the road far too long think before you nag and complain. 
Become more supportive, hug him and explain: how you understand how hard he works to provide for the family, but what you really would like more of is him. Being supportive always draw you closer together.

Express Your Emotions Once in a while, plan to do something special just for him, pay attention to your husband’s interests, if its sports that he loves. Sit down and watch a game with him. If you are lost and don’t have a clue what’s going on. Ask him to explain plays that you don’t understand.

Most husbands really do want to spend more time at home. But they also want to make sure that the household is being taking care of. You can look at it from another perspective at least he wants to work. He isn’t lazy!

It’s important to balance home life and work life. It's also important to pay attention to the way we respond and act towards others. If we are triggered by something be sure to make a note and really dive into why something made you act out of character. I'm not saying you have emotional issues, but I'm not overlooking the fact it could be possible. Our spouse could also be going through something but don't understand how to address it. All I'm saying is pay attention. You don't go from loving each other to being distant for no reason.  So, if he is having problems help him, don’t push him away by being complicated and making life more frustrated then it has to be. I understand that you are frustrated that he doesn’t see the imbalance. However, nagging him want solve the problem. That’s what most men expect you to do, this way they really don’t have to change because they know all you are going to do is nag. So that gives them a reason to leave or stay gone. It's called avoidance or escape coping mechanism. 

Instead, thank him for his hard work. Don’t complain, about him working late join him on the coach to watch his favorite sports and start treating him like he’s a king. This way you are inspiring him to change instead of telling him. Also, pay attention to your mental and emotional health. As well as practice self care by eating properly. 

Feeding his ego, will get him to change his view on any situation, give him time to change, without your correcting his judgment every minute. This way you will stop the resentment in your relationship and start focusing on what matters pleasing each other. Rather proving all the haters are right. People expect trucking marriages to fail, let's get invested and prove them wrong. It's possible I'm living proof twenty years of long distance marriage. And it can be the same for you! 

Be Inspired

Warrior Chic
XOXO