Healthy Long Distance Marriage Advice: I Miss What We Used To Have!

Last week I had a client who demanded a counseling sessions. She said she didn’t think she could take the trucking lifestyle any longer. I asked her what was going on and why she felt such strong feelings. She said she missed what her and her husband used to have. 

Hugs

Long talks

Laughter

Sex

Ever since he started working over the road he has been stressed, less talkative and tired. When he returned home all he would do was crash and seems as if he slept for days and wouldn’t want to talk. 

I can relate to this situation all to well. Devon would be over the road for weeks. When he came home all he would do was sleep, eat and shit. I’m like are we going to do something? I want to go out to eat. Let’s go to the movies. But all he wanted to do was eat a home cooked meal, watch a movie at home and rest. It took me a long time to get use to his needing to let his body whine down and relax from being in a bumpy truck and eating processed foods for weeks. It wasn’t until I walked in his shoes and spent the summer over the road with him that I finally got it. 

Of course we crave companionship like the next wife. Although our man job is not as relaxing as most men. Yes, driving is simple. However the condition of living over the road is much more harsh than you could ever imagine. Yes after that summer all I wanted to do was sleep, eat home cooked meals and shit in my own bathroom. I respect the profession much more after that experience. I couldn’t do it on a daily basis. 

Most men prefer not to dive headfirst into conversations about emotions and the problems in their marriage. However, this is one time when it's imperative as a wife to positively and calmly discuss your feelings and expectations when it comes to your emotional need if you hope to enhance the  feelings of feeling close to your hubby again. This doesn't have to be an awkward exchange between you two and you don't have to end up in an emotional argument. You should approach your hubby in a compassionate way with the idea of talking about what is going on in your marriage and what you both want from it.

You need to set the tone for this so do it at a time when you feel exceptionally strong. Do it in a setting in which you won't be interrupted. You must rely on every ounce of patience and understanding you have during this discussion and it's important that you listen and be open to any suggestions, whether they be critical or not, that your hubby shares with you. Every relationship is different but for my marriage I find it easier to bring up emotional concerns after sex. Yes after sex, he is more vulnerable and listen to anything I say. I get a better response and less drama. 

In a compassionate way encourage him to tell you what he feels right now about the marriage and about you. Reiterate the fact that you're not trying to start any sort of conflict, but instead you're looking for a solution that will enrich your marriage and get it back on a positive and loving track. Like ever decision regarding your marriage see it as a lesson in what you can do to become the wife that he needs you to be. This make the task much easier.

I asked my client to participate in a visuality exercise for a moment. 

“Do you remember back to when you and your hubby were first married? Looking back on that time now you're likely going to realize how simple everything was. In many marriages, both partners worked in the early days and then they devoted their evenings and weekends to mutual pursuits. As time grabs hold of a marriage many things can change. This is especially true when children become part of the family and when one, or both, partners set out on a quest to capture the ideal career. There is always a trade-off when a marriage shifts to a new place and often, that trade-off becomes the close bond that the couple once shared. It's not uncommon for many married couples to one day come to the realization that they are no longer lovers and best friends, but are now sporting the hats of co-parents and sometimes roommates .

With that said the only way to change this is to put some concentrated and thoughtful effort into it. If you allow your marriage to continue down the same path that it's on now, you and your hubby will never recapture the loving connection you once had. That's why you must look at this as the most important project of your life. You have to sit down, and work out a plan that allows you the opportunity to not only spend more one-on-one time with your spouse discing your dreams, expectations and needs, but also spend that time showing him what a gift he is to you.

What Worked For Me!

I learn how to arouse him…

I’ve learned that men, in general, find a great deal of comfort and satisfaction in very simple things. Your hubby may just need the knowledge that you still care for him in order to get into a better mood. You can show him that by telling him verbally how you feel, by writing him a heartfelt letter and email it to him when he’s over the road, or even by sending him a text message in the middle of the day expressing how excited you are for having him in your life.

Hold his hand more when he’s home, give him a gentle shoulder rub when he's feeling tense and bring him a surprise gift every now and again, even if it's just a home cooked meal that he loves over candlelight and his favorite band playing in the background. Any small gesture like this speaks volumes about how deeply you appreciate and care for him.

By putting more effort into your marriage, you can effectively shift the dynamic so your hubby once again feels emotionally bonded to you. Don't view this as a quick fix but more of a transition toward a more fulfilling marriage for you both. If you love your hubby and the marriage is the most important thing to you, get busy showing him that.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your hubby to feel even more distant from you. You can make your hubby fall back in love with you, all over again with the right gestures. 

I redecorated our bedroom and bathroom so it felt like a warm relaxing cozy oasis when he was home from over the road. It made such a difference in his mood when he was home. Simple Things matter most!

Be Inspired

Warrior Chic

XOXO